hello i am Vess3l i have written songs before it's cold so it's told my blue bucket of gold un-established feel my blemishes too early vulnerable but that's just the thing i do yes it's true here to lose it all beautiful sounds for when i'm dying for your love and affection oh, where's my heart's direction? once the warmth of your calm complexion that was another one or two albums ago, oh! i wrote those songs for love so how am i gonna sound like now that i'm hated? i once sang to be loved so how am i gonna sound like now that i'm hated? i wrote those songs for love so how am i gonna sound like now that i'm hated? we all want to be loved so this is how i sound when i am certainly hated

i’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout heaven give up the gun don't give up and run if you live up to fight you all right now it's night don't just give up you're done (no!) without with one; classic go out to none; spastic hold out to sun; plastic trigger trigger diethyl ether bombastic fix see my record it's drastic tragic here then i'm errantly gone who won it's magic as if gymnastics i eventually bend tell me when you back this? mask this you hack, this! it's jacked with the best of the rest of your mess-ish that's just breakfast always first on the guest list guess: mist fade like the morning dew one kiss two fish blessed- ish true kitsch i've been thinkin’ ‘bout heaven i been waiting an eternity for other eternities i been wasting community and other amenities of a Christ-like guarantee of a redeemed humanity trading many temporaries for the Godly plan in me now the choice is made and i am fin’lly free holiness is but a glimpse of godliness to be even so the journey's long and i can barely see the striving that is thriving, no, i'm dying i can barely breathe! i am waiting always waiting what's the point of change? what is time if there's no time then what the hell can change? and if i cannot wait then that is hell is that not strange? so maybe i could sing about it hell, but what's my range? heaven heaven fall down spirit spirit pour out on us all now heaven fall down i’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout heaven pockets of this pockets of that pockets of hell pockets of acts lock it it's dope locked it it's back block it it's hope block it it's wack call it space invaders theosis is stacked every parallel of hell finds its temple where we lack find the temple t'were it simple imma fire at these pyres of desires bless me Sire I’m a tired of these packs climb the steeple blind the people imma wire all these cryers to my buyers curse me Liar i am mired in these tracks would it'were true facts helpin’ people i once had a true knack but now i'm back i’ve been thinkin’ bout’ lost the flow lots to know ways to go iono lost the flow lots to know way to go iono

Person A sitting on my couch it's a practice thing i the guy leader you a novice sang group sharing 'bout our stories yours a novel pain hold up you the same as me struggling through all the basic mental things only difference you about a year younger dang not much of us around both Christian and lonely: i can only imagine slowly: living life until death lowly: how we see ourselves and our worth holy: that’s our goal burning coals to our souls now we're bros now at the door motions i give you brothers a hug slow motion please remember God's love like oceans we're here for you, bro so, say, here's a notion i coulda woulda shoulda been a brother been a mentor been a better man to ya coulda woulda shoulda been the one to guide ya provide for ya even die for ya coulda woulda shoulda kept my walls up right yet in spite let you in every now and then coulda woulda shoulda kept you close at least most of the time any time again coulda woulda shoulda i just thought i'm living the Way never thought i'm so wrong never live the faith i have day to day come on Person B walking by Crossroads you walk to me telling me you're homeless and you need to eat telling me you're suicidal what’s survival when depressed and beat PTSD, blunt trama what's karma if you’re jumped and molested lack o' blessing that’s no easy feat wake up to the fears and the terrors and the errors now just hit repeat gotchas so we get ourselves some vegan pad thai down at Racha's and a friendship builds yes i'm kinda like ya kinda like ya kinda psyched man that we get to be misfit lit captchas so give it a year now the fears are gone now you're selling textbooks for a profit on Amazon making sales off your new phone and we still talking now you text what's the new plan i coulda woulda shoulda been a brother been a friend been a better man to ya coulda woulda shoulda been the one to share Christ with ya bear strife with you, huh coulda woulda shoulda kept my walls up right i might peer over now and then coulda woulda shoulda kept you safe kept you near at least most of the time again coulda woulda shoulda i just thought i'm living the Way never thought i'm so wrong never live the faith i have day to day come on Person A prime met you at retreat the first time no one talking to ya, who ya, so i gave mine ever since message me without end that's fine you trusted me was to me like a young puppy to me that needed a friend but i am dust and i cussed to me must keep your trust to you just there's a lot to mend but your mom let me care for you drive for you buy for you when she couldn't now just tell me when so we went to the movies getting smoothies and to lunch after church where we perched still keeping it 10 and honestly there was so much I coulda woulda shoulda done but not so much as what i shouldn't have there's no free will just free won'ts let's just be real just please don't just please don't yes i failed person A prime s’all in the gray but it's verily A crime and now confusion contusions injury pays dimes to the horror of the terror of the bearer of his pained mind God! i [no i'm not ready to talk about that yet] i coulda shoulda woulda been a better debtor everything instead i fell for Person A and grew attached to everything and now i've pushed you far away you hate me don't you? i'm a blight to every effort on your part to strive for what He died for in the light i coulda shoula woulda been a better mature psychothera-thing but i let Person B get physical and pet me over there again upset the natural balance, here's the challenge now he's back and wants more of the same maybe after now my debts are repaid God! and so it goes from Person A to B but the story doesn't end, no, Person C and don't forget what the hell you did to Person D that led to what she did to Person E F-in ruined all that's good in G i H all you distorted up in I JK, even now as you share it bro it's L-lie then tie it back to M and N and double N prime back in China know the rumors mental tumors you should die O, and did I mention what you did to P lasted two years and even then you couldn't even see to Q R S TU and then V they may like your music true but you're abusing that Chee W what to do to your X all the sex best but there never was a we there you go again, Y? ‘cause you try to be close to the most host of a similar debris and so with all these persons getting worse, son it's the future tearing sutures is it really truer? at least history mystery of mysteries so i'm scared of and i'm bare don't wanna hear it if you dare it of the latitude of fuck you'll do to person Z

you say i'm not the one you're looking for i'm a wreck i'm a wreck i'm a wreck self-handicapping effect i'm a faction i'm a priest i'm a i'm a fool make my words deserve a beat-in' what you brothers always eat-in' what y’all doin o'er the weekend could i sneak in i'm a fraction i'm a beast i'm a i'm a lost and i'm a lonely i'm a least they say ya know heaven's banquet it's a feast c'est magnifique so if i see you starving mercy, brother take a seat but is it clear now i'm near that you fear what i'm here to defend i really thought that's what you'd do for a friend when you lend but what you say is i hold means to an end ahh ok that's not the only thing i'm holding Caulfield once a mentor now a threat beholding Spirit it's all under Your control why i tripping i flipping guess i'm sinning i'm winning you my fix my feeling fundamentally i'm not one to preach consequently can't be one with me; come with me i cannot be free, you don't wanna speak you don't wanna seek i am only meek, there can be no we quintessentialy, i should serve the weak i the loving freak, substitute a week independently, sinfully winsomly handsome he, no this cannot be i am losing ethos they won't believe deceived myself to thinking i can't hurt a bee please you say "i'm not the one you're looking for" i'm a wreck i'm a wreck i'm a wreck self-handicapping effect you're the world to me you are royalty have my loyalty, here's my spoils, it's me spots and boils it's me accountability is all i ever wanted give me the word i'm on it your credibility give me your worth i'll pawn it disability since you like it so much i'll flaunt it but what am i supposed to do with that my greedy heart it's pleading you don't want nothing to do with that how i subjectively feel whether it's real you don't want nothing to choose but fact the kind of community i want is descriptive not prescriptive you say of Acts oh God, i know none of that has to be new ok i have been fighting and striving for freedom just like you ok but you've been further and farther and father in favor anew these days so i praise, not you, but every little thing in this beautiful world is grace ok ok that's how we s’pposed to be but now, you say, with us there is no peace besides, i am, you say, a special case ok ok i see you hate my face don’t you i know i'm illing know i'm feeling not just chilling i am dealing i am killing life is real and i can feel the pain so gimme loving gimme me something not just nothing you can kill me you can do me you can fill me just don't ask my name you're a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a mercy of a lover of the coming of a realer thing so take this shadow in these shadows take the saddle ride me harder i'm a martyr drowning waters of the birthing pangs peace you say "I AM the one you're looking for" i'm a wreck i'm a wreck i'm a wreck self-handicapping effect

but when my love is fading i'm holding out as best i can am i ever going to find out if i am a monster or a man and when my thoughts are dying in darkness without your hand all that is left is just a monster no traces left of a man love to the fiend he's not bad just low self-esteem humility, rough when he's mean stuff of the team when he's clean just a tad not cut to the scene loving the green looking for lean he could pass but he's far from pristine if you're keen you would know he's loving for green knight to the queen shots to demean quoth Augustine Augustin what i meant is life when it's deemed when it's damned every am that i ambulatory that's the story fallen glory yet to be His redeemed out o' control out o' the soul ought i know that i should tame what is me [hey, stop touching me] spiritual physical nothing is changed critical politic-holy estranged wholly i'm solely allowing this danger i feel that it's bad but i'm had and their hand is in range what i gain is a feeling of mange when they sinking their fangs in my neck it's a trek to be loved by the strangers who look nothing like the one baby Jesus who loved me in the manger now tell me what's stranger: that i seek love from all o' my haters, or hate from my lovers, ‘K later save that one for the shrink, my Mistaker but when my love is fading i'm holding out as best i can am i ever going to find out if i am a monster or a man and when my thoughts are dying in darkness without your hand all that is left is just a monster no traces left of a man OK cause and effect let's let's trace this you found him attractive nah, that's baseless didn't have your lenses oh, so he's faceless no one else mentioned damn, now that's case-less so blame it on the rejection of a false theological conjecture no exceptions, your attention need i mention held no tension for the clear transgression that is your descension deception clear behind all reception here they kept son all you've wrecked son now you're whose son? that's offensive don't be pensive you sensitive insensitive expensive whence you dented it content and rented bit sit! i know that look don't go telling me that at the end of the day you were the only one who even cared about them that's not fair to them what's there, even? huh? no you listen to me whatever figment of thought that ever crossed your obfuscated mind that makes you so inclined to believe you had some sight and some burden for the blight and burning within other minds i swear put to death such a notion of your devotion feeling chosen to motion the well-being of an ocean of neglected suffering it's the Trojan by which you know sin has long ago corrupted by your emotion yes even this commotion whatever God may have gifted you to perceive to believe please retrieve and relieve what you've weaved you're deceived you have leaved them you must leave them alone you must be alone you must be alone you must be alone you are alone but when my love is fading i'm holding out as best i can am i ever going to find out if i am a monster or a man and when my thoughts are dying in darkness without your hand all that is left is just a monster no traces left of a man you must be alone you must be alone you must be alone you are alone

[check yourself this is not the album you're looking for] oh so now you're listening this what you want gold glistening? this ish ain't mine just written in that's just fine my christening always playing other tracks giving me voice marketplace of sound now the message is a choice so i make my own i just wanna be heard have the experiences only need the words but no one hears just want sensations can't sit through exposition, no patience just hear what you want, no tribulations "just give me acts don't want no revelations" so you say what i [sing] is a mess what message is this? you ain't impressed where's the gospel? write about your Self less you ain't even dying, bro, your life's blessed but you ain't even know the truth to have i has to fight e’ry single day i know i has to fight [Satan] just to know the truth of what is wrong and right that all of y'all just effortlessly know is aite you ain't even know my mind is all scattered epigenetics and blemishes trauma it's splattered you know given love or truth i'd choose the latter but if the truth is i'm unlovable how does it matter so i'm tryin though i'm lyin to try and see life anew but no one's gonna thank me for fighting for the effortless truth so i'm tryin though i'm dyin to live a life in lieu but no one's gonna thank me for doing what i'm supposed to do so i'm only, though i'm pronely lost searching for better views but no one's gonna thank me for fighting for the effortless truth and i'm lonely on this road to being normal in lieu but no one's gonna thank me for doing what i'm supposed to do made by the Creator we are His creatures so we are creators great preceding Greater then touched by the Consumer we are the consumed so we are consumers all we do is consume i'd rather be singing but no one listens or perhaps they do be it true they're here, do they hear? no, they just consume but even that much they don't do just do what you wanna do live life you wanna live hear strife, no, just what you live vague and universal, plague and full reversal relatable insatiable all products for you to consume we're all just products to you if it's junk food spray insecticide go full homicide on that ear worm it's digging into you if it's vegetables you'll skip around who needs well-rounded views and truths? but of course you'll eat it dutifully beautifully say you do but i'm neither artery-clogging nor nutritionally-flogging no, i'm new food and if you haven't culturally been exposed to that just yet then it's not you food i lose dude i'd rather be singing but even when i have a voice i say nothing you wanna hear nothing you need to hear it's meaningless just as meaningless if you were to sit down and reading this pleading less for me to calm down it's just the music it's just the muse yea, you're right it's on me if no one listens it's because i don't write anything worth listening to and ok y'all are consumers but i'm a consumer, too that's why i write anyways because there's nothing really out there for me to relate and then listen to and that's why i can't change what i write because it's me and my story, it's not you so that's why even though i long for it endlessly i cannot be consumed i just want to be consumed a product i just want to be for you like an object give me a price, evaluate me where's my value, in me? no, it's always written by the ones who consume buy me one hour try me one dollar it's not bad it's old news i just want to be consumed made by the Creator we are His creatures so we are creators great preceding Greater then touched by the Consumer we are the consumed so we are consumers all we do is consume

i'm sweating up a storm in my bed feeling all feverish not knowing if i have a voice but i gotta use my voice that's my choice to proclaim the love of God, this I know this I know but as I wallow in my tears tear gas, streaming seeps through the cracked window past the riots that are evolving here they're blocking up the streets down in here blocking up the streets can i hear? short bursts blasting through the night boarded walls and border walls outside my window i don't know so do i have a voice? maybe so but do they have a voice? that's why they cry and shout no louder than the voice i've had with me in my yellow skin and sing with my fellow kin Christian leader and among the men that's my voice and i sing louder more pleasant things than them yet sing nothing of meaning when given it oh God, my God where the heaven should we be? where the heaven should we be? brethren are y'all considering ‘cause if it's not your race why bother running then huh? i can feel the "all" behind the "mattering" matter is the patter of our acts wants no blacker gathering huh? i get it fellow yellow skin it's our lament yea we fought and labored hard as weathered immigrants you see oppression yea we bore and weathered it so why can't other groups work to bear and clean up all their own sh- it is a cultural piece of resistance Confucius say best align to the system so if a good stereotype benefits then don't miss ‘em my white devil pets me so i gotta kiss him like moi s'all me and my ingroup you tripping any ethnicity got this no flipping so why they got to get all the attention i mention like ma look at me rapping hip hopping started the flow i grow now i no stopping and i'm so asian, no way son, i popping as if the cultural products of my own culture were not vastly as rich enough to, say, be deeply drawn from like an infinite well of cool and other exotic stuff so by the power of Orientalism to be so cast as less masculine then we thus draw on other tyranny that casts our African brothers as much more like men hence i without consequence like many inter-racial ignorance before this since use the rich cultural legacy of the more hard-oppressed group in my Zen to further bolster my uncaring blaring they're staring unfair in my artful pretense this is my ten twenty cents when will i come to my sense this is my sin these are my brethren! Christian! never by adversity we still proclaim diversity of faith but with the city see no pity in the causes i know you love all the empathy the in-reach in a sympathy we singing only ditties what is outreach in a symphony of many aligned voices pointing God in His epiphany the facets groaning are you listening? but now we show a mitigation of a loving gospel litigation of a people hostile complication of words generosity apostle nation is it possible? [we can’t breathe] because i know to so endear all the fear do you hear of the Seer when he jeers leers here declaring fire and destruction of the world that is clear maybe near so that we're always pining for the kingdom that is already but not yet altogether here so the earth in its birth, dearth holds its worth not in brokenness and mirth thus the church when we search for the ideological perch where we lurch is the lure of the obscure glossing over of the cure trading de jure for secure why so unsure? just so we insure that to endure any injustice is pure part of awaiting the Kingdom assured so oppression inures “why can't they just believe” so immature “so immature, their movement needs more allure” as opposed to questioning the systems of oppression even Christians set in motion many centuries ago that's the impression of a people by the steeple who we say are as us people as His people hear Him screaming for His people let my people go! [let my people go] For Christ’s Sake have you forgotten why He died for us? you say it's not our fight, it's just not right for us “we need to get things right we're feeling strife you see the knife in us” but that's a luxury to say, your life superfluous. [when the first light brightened the dark before the breaking of the human heart there was you and there was me innocence was all i knew ‘cause all i had to know was you we were running underneath the trees] i'm sweating up a storm on the stage feeling all feverish so yes i have a voice but i'm not gonna use my voice i have no choice but to proclaim my love for you, this i know this you know as i sing here thinking of your beauty beautiful darkness scheming seeps through the cracked window past the riots that are evolving here they're clapping all for me up in here clapping all for me, can i hear heartbeats fading through the night? troubled minds and troubled kinds when i'm around you my mind's blue so i do have a voice singing gold but i can't use my voice ‘cause i'm weak and afraid have someone else say it all for me with me in my yellow skin and pray with my fellow kin Christian leader and loving the men that's my voice and i pain different more inner things than them yet sing nothing of meaning when given it oh God, my God where the Eden should we be? and the only thing that gets me sick to my stomach (where the Eden should we be?) not the injustice that is upon us black rubber bullets (where the Eden should we be?) but you in your black looking beautiful beautiful (where the Eden should we be?) you who hates me in my darkness

you like pain you like death you like conservative bullshit you like Satanism you like vomit you like Dr. Seuss you like Eric Garner you like Tim McVeigh you like macho dicks you like skewed priorities you like terrorism task forces you like rapists you like San Quentin you like checkpoints you like bubblegum you like colonialism you like cherry pie you like waterboarding you like baseball games you like solitary confinement you like fascism you like vivisection you like cancer you like ecocide you like judges you like sadism you like Oscar Grant you like nuclear disasters you like Abner Louima you like police brutality you like death machines you like tractor trailers you like big rigs you like poisoning landscapes you like death? i confided as a friend in you now i sit lifeless in the un-living room in a crowded home of stranger people thinking, sinking, that my life is now over everything i love and hold dear everything i've done to be loved and to be held dearly will be lost in a matter of hours after the call came in and i have to be the one to share because the sheriff’s coming they're almost there and you wouldn't want them to break the news don't you? who needs to be loved anyways? oh God where are you Jesus? oh Lord where are you Jesus? the darkness in me it grows it's never really actually faded it's stark, enemy knows whatever grace is dim he's got me jaded waves of irony flows victimization never abated lust of my heart in the open, God i can never sate it we're slaves i followed different and i in front of him master- mind on the possible obstacles in the worst case i am locked away by the greys who defend better tuck me in got me lying down let the spirit in apostate prostrate until my body's dead like an agnostic, no an apostle Gnostic an apparition Christian stick him in his docile wet Popsicle sample: stab him in the ample sit on his amp make a tramp like him a fine example or in the best case gonna leave a trace gonna lose some face gonna be a case never be erased my ministry and mission in life forever defaced gonna live alone gonna learn my place gonna wear a brace gonna know my place gonna be a chase gonna start a trace gonna be a race can you zoom it in gotta see his face God i feel that bass man he's got no clue God i feel no grace bloody sidewalk view God my life's a waste no we're not like him God i lost my pace i don't want this space between us i just want Jesus please defend me Jesus but God you are in the people and their grudge God you are Savior but you are Judge i'll be sleeping in my car tonight no one wants to be around me right now and i just want someone strong and warm to hold me someone to shield me from these fossils that fall on my head first stone strikes me where the writing's in the sand please somebody hold my hand but if no one does i'd understand what i am is outside God's plan but obviously i'm here and i'm free and that's redeeming but you're there and you called and they did nothing unfair you're on the phone with me screaming how can they not care it's injustice justice system wrecked they must be scheming someone bad like me they let go seeming like they support the wrong causes and agendas that depends on who they favor political favors come in flavors do they like 'em all? appalled, nah man you're dreaming and i do agree with you you're right it's fucked for someone like me who preys on the vulnerable that's a true obstruction to be let free without a record that's some bull construction friction in these fictions my dictions fail to breathe now that's some boa constriction read my lips no conviction now that's some true contradiction juxtaposition; now to you the new affliction you who protects the weak and sets them free least allegedly where's the ledger please here's a record hero at his prime now a greater crime that's the paradigm you're no longer free at the USP owe them USD got PTSD that's some LSD they tripping so if You are a judge that's some introduction why is this new injustice abounds in this world it's an old destruction they been jailing blacks systemically that's some Reconstruction collective history, mystery sifting through the broken karma alarmed by the blue corruption if this is grace i don't want it even though not a single person or worldview in the world can bear to love who i am i deserve it where are you Jesus? You're not here with me but i see You still You are there with him behind bars Jesus if You must please don't suffer because of what i've done and for what i've done please just be there for him and for all those for whom injustice breaks be there with him and show him what true love takes Jesus if i sing loud enough will even these walls break? before the walls of Salvation the gates we sing Your Praise these chains i feel and i punish myself still new prisons encase me now so i pray for freedom from the injustice that has favored me for the justice that will finally burn through all of me leaving nothing left that You don't love Lord You save me You are Love help me live just what you're preaching of

well nothing comes clean for this forlorn soul i got twelve hundred hours for the beat, ignore the sound and fury that came without the holocaust; my heart meant nothing, you lied to me, you sycophant and as i walk my story was written but close the doors start pondering existentialism lock it and open whatever window you came from, listen that's the noise of your heart beating a void rhythm then it comes telling me that it's wrong, that the primal proposed the definitions had gone, searched for imperfect love never found it moved on to the way silence worked when the curtains were torn but i heard it once before in a summer aside forgive, it's not the cry that you hear at night and God, it's not somebody who's seen the light it's a cold and broken hallelujah, right? what am i even i'm the singer that rap about Jesus i'm the Christian that yap about Yeezus yellow American evangelical Christian man chomo no bromo-seltzer my mind helter-skelter diversity Ephesians: that's the mystery facetious if i say i don't fit in like e'ry other snowflake that just make me specious so please just be speechless positive illusory bias my thesis [what do you want] what e'rybody wants i want always disappointing e’ryone but if i do what they want me to do nothing new i might accrue some rapport that's the core i need more and they're all keepin score i wanna eat this read this keep this preach this leave this believe this swallow got my head feelin like Sleepy Hollow i only follow and people pay me more for my body than they do for my music out there busy selling myselves i'm hella lost but even then i give you more when you abuse it hell, so in a way i know exactly what a dollar cost [cast my body to the holocaust] what am i even no the point is not that i am fragments in a shattered selves are battered by the intersectionality lacking affection neutrality misunderstood brutality callously the balance is the challenge no it's more so that i aimlessly and famously can't tame the whoring flame in me and 'er as far as i can see there's no other ship that sail these seas not in friendship maybe mentorship would be the cure in me someone help me guide me to the calmer harbor 'fore the evil I doth embalmeth me but am i even worth the saving am i really a child o' God or child o' Satan? more than just that they are hating it's been long debating bouncing to the cadence of the sign of the sine that i am one and both and neither fading as i stare into the obolus the price is not the problem less than vice that is reflected back to father less a child saved from trauma blessed but rather child more lesser damned as traumatizer be it wiser to cast both into flames instead of risking all the pain that rises surprises from sympathizers

scars in society hope of the gospel sins of our fathers hear them beating from the scars of the killing fields just over yonder follow the highway way out of the jungle no visionaries in the jungle lost in the paddies don't know where to go i don't know who to follow all the artists and singers believers there's a resonance but these scars cannot heal by them no no role models this is our world what we want is the world rest of the world is there by the highway just follow it straight to the city there's a scar in my heart there are walls in my heart walls of affection i need refuge from death and destruction protection behind greater walls of the city there's a greater life than i can imagine where can i go to and how can this happen? there is a burden so we go in masses to the city maybe life will be better God I need anything better break off these fetters set me loose set me free in the city they all looking at me i can fly i can be not me now we i record i can sing this is where i wanna be in the city inappropriation mission in this nation far from vacation look at me i'm Asian- American persuasion no legacy i can draw on from my cultures nothing inspiring desiring that can capture all the suffering that's buffering vignette of a lifetime never right time that's my time and, lo, i see the words of my cultures Chinese charms American brands adorning the house of Khmer words and scripts that hold power since the hour of their loss of our fine how can i say no it's mine? for all that i can give why not my design? and in any other case they adopt the Vine divine intervention the ascension of a people don't be asinine i am walking through the city to the city not for pity but the language by which gritty can be witty tryna speak of all the trauma in one language insufficient, it ain't pretty God I only know how i can still withstand that after all this time and lack of support i can understand and the hand demands never planned when it landed in the times of sand got me manned to the ground feeling pain in redundance of the ampersand [sand] and i wanna be with others so i formed a band but the music is a laughingstock and even now they aftershock God no i can feel his you brought me to disturbing place i can smell the bourbon face so if i need Urban Grace better find the herb in the city we are making our way to the city growing the heavens on earth to a city citizens flock to the city will we remember our scars in the city i am making my way to the city growing the heavens for earth to a city citizens block the way to the city the city enter antithetical, yea nothing what we thought it would be now we're in the city but the city is not The City what is opportunity is tyranny of choice every community a perjury of voice acculturation, no, now a purging by the goy imperialism sinister now a market for the boy and the girl now the world's much smaller again gotta go further again gotta fly gotta find a plane to some other distant civilization beyond this nation maybe there we'll find our gain end our mass migration but i'm flying over arctic seas up and above to where the angels are but that's where i'm from and fallen angels scar no end to a journey now ain't that bizarre starve myself some sanity at Ramadan in the bazaar carve my way through favelas can't find the path don't have a car marvel at the Golden Gate i'm fading to the boulevard wake up in the Green Inn lemongrass wafts there's a door ajar i look like them wanna talk like them wanna sound like them wanna be loved like them for all i do is borrow from others and i don't have a voice yet wanna be heard maybe now i'll be heard but the word as the Lord knows, as the Logos haven't yet got my new clothes my life ain't pure prose just a stone's throw from an exposed foreclose window to the universe we gather to the Kingdom none of us were made for this world and everything dumb wanderlust and just lust as a must those are symptoms God, i'm not making any sense grant me wisdom temple in the sky, thought I could see Him but you know I have my idols God I wanna be him i'm fighting in the city but no one wanna free hymn i'm bleeding on the stairs now they calling for a threesome i'm lying on the stairs holding bills better seize him from Hegenberger to Olympic dignity is freezing every public space a menace can't be safe in pleasing biting into tender places Devil say they teasing shadows of the number six rest stop find a cop that would make shop at the top make me drop like a backdrop to the swap of one crop for another cash crop that's their version of a sweet talk make me walk though my spirit lies in deep shock body drawn in white chalk on the block where the jocks in their white tops gave me hard rocks not the right lock throw the rest of disembodied me into the black box where not even my voice box can decipher the wreck that i am without an ad hoc is it bad doc? God, this is escalating acclimating to the hating concentrating on the perpetrating of the predicated pollinating self-destructing punctuation propagating flagellation of a berating degeneration equating what's negated as probation as frustrating inmate allocation for a state of grace that's irritating the Garden is a city and the City is a garden i'm rising to the gates but everyone is barred in did i ever have a heart of flesh? maybe it hardens heaven in its glory on a cloud now departing if I still cannot forgive myself how will God pardon? “great conflagration” can't be saved by jargon my soul for intact justice now that's a bargain

spend all my life listening to others ask me why i write music as if anyone would take the time to listen who listens? not even my brothers i am causeless world still spinning suffering and downright lawless yet i'm cautious following the formula i set for myself piecing together the fractured minds of others step into my office just ‘cause any other dream at this point is better than despair and the threat of fracturing in my own faults i am nauseous so if i pick up a medium commodified to be heard by those i long to be close to got me feeling emotions i never thought i was capable of before then it better hit me hard that what i'm rep-ping as i'm rapping is a legacy of social justice fighting oppression, no question that's the expression so i better let the world through the word speak in me but i don't that's my confession i have nothing to say i am just hurt used to help people but now i can't do that used to love people but i'm not allowed to do that used to sing for people but now i can't, true that even so music is a journaling practice don't let it distract us but it's the only thing i have left and life is fine as if you would have taken the time to even ask me about that healing is an exercise i cannot still expect in this lifetime so please don't ask me about that nothing i can hope to accomplish bears any meaning now so why would it eventually? but legacy is the last of my concerns Lord, i just want to stop hurting others let alone from actually helping them which i don't fires of judgment glow got me feeling the burns why have You spared me why am i here do you hear me do they fear me they should fear me not on my behalf but please in my own power firm grip of control just let me do that as if there were anything in my design at this particular decline of define that is actually under my power i just passively receive from my environments destruction is the path and it won't let me move that or perhaps it's the passive way by which i engage in the destruction of self that is judgment and abuse so the responsibility is on them and not me maybe i want it all and this is my sinful willful way to ensure that Ferguson Orlando Dallas Aleppo world spinning out of control so how can my pain be validly known y'all see right through that Alvarado told me to write for others thought i was starting but guess i never really got around to that nothing encouraging when i bring the pen down i've screwed up got me barking like a sick pup i am empty stop the music i just can't keep at it eats away at me what can fill me now? spirits fighting in me true Spirit please rescue d'etat why am i here God why am I still part of your perfect design i cannot love or be loved inconsequential brother benign feeling the loneliness can't interact unless others are kind to me why can't i hear, God, why am I still deaf to Your message of grace i cannot feel or be felt imperceptible loving embrace heaven is far and my scars will still be remembered in that place, thinking woe is me woe is me I speak through poetry's pain to explain the hidden stains of the shame within me I am ruined by the rain that comes from my eyes it has become my food, and my life every day and every night as my soul is bereft of breath and sustenance, I cry, and I sigh "why are you cast down, oh my soul? and why are you in turmoil within me?" I look for the peace and quiet of valley and stream only to hear the rage of roar waging war within my dreams surrounded by the shouts of battle between myselves I ask for help ‘cause that which has been crucified still feels alive and that which has resurrected still feels rejected by the mess and mire of this theology of other I love that command: "love one another" but at what point is it a cover to hide behind, to hide under the name of service and sacrifice for the neglected older brother? maybe the truth is that I want to be cursed maybe I don't want the layers and unsaid prayers to really be unearthed maybe I want the other me to take complete control and for God to ease His grip upon every crevice of my soul? tossed to and fro by the wind and the breaker the roars of the waterfall by the hand of my Maker I ask, why? why do you want not only my mind but my heart, and my soul? my whole self has already taken the toll of having to fight, to resist the call to be alone I groan for relief, for refuge, for Eden, for home why are you cast down oh my Soul? and why are you in such turmoil within me? hope in God, turn to Christ for you, for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation, my God, my Other covered clay within in me stay, your streams they break the walls that still confine me pour in place your living water, Father, Your grace and Your love they mend and they bind me

so much to say not much to say what's my status sifting through the memories of my past characters i'm cast as flowing through the neural stratus plural nonlinear lattice "inferior the baddest" they say i am yea i get it i've had it i am it it am i that am i still one with a voice vox what do i say i still have a choice blocks just building now just chilling or are they the stumbling kind the humbling kind caught between the rumbling bind between two places speak or do not grieve or brew caught joy rocks but i know exactly where to go from here fooling no one no obligation to the world just your world the scars they're personal to who? everyone and why must i wait for them to spill first word when first heard i am the little bird lost and abrasive far from persuasive based it on slurred third absurds deferred you get it? establishment of trust vibrations no, you get it? social script of reconciliation no, you get it? spiritual crypts against damnation no, you don't. get it. but still you'll say it i'm sorry i'm sorry can you forgive me please forgive me i say it but they say that it is not enough i'm caught in my addictions can't align, rebuff upset about the little things now that is rough apologize for little things can't breathe that stuff the feeling is caught in my throat the damage i wrought that i wrote meaning behind every note can't get a quote it is legal minutia i can't stay afloat so the feeling is mutual they think that i'm mad saying sorry for things that they never even believed were ever such awful offenses i had transference is strong in the manifest there aren't things i can say that would paint the best of me even now i still wanna be loved i still wanna be blessed but you're right i'm a mess and you're right i'm a guest not in the sense that i'd be taken care of just that my presence is draining you can't even rest you can't even rest and it's ‘cause of me still running around still free though a ransom was paid and people still pay and appraise me still listen for days they're amazed let that faze me so even in ways that delays me might as well just say the phrase that is meant to upraise you i'm sorry i'm sorry can you forgive me please forgive me even though i come from a culture where we say it often and meaninglessly even though i breathe in a culture where we'd rather lift man up on a pedestal than down to his knees even though i don't deserve the overwhelming grace of forgiving me even though you said not right now, and it's probably never even though i would have to wait 'til the end of forever even though i die everyday at the rot as my thoughts blot out the hope you deliver even though i know your words fall short in comparison greatly to that of the Giver even though even though i know that You have forgiven me (You have You have) even though like St. Anthony i hear Satan knocking at my door at night only to open it to find what was mine that i was the devil in me all along so even though no- thing i say can take back all of what i do even though no- thing i do can give back what i stole from all of you even though i sent out the letters, confessed in the square and cry myself to sleep every night thinking it's not enough that none of all the empathy is fair (i'm sorry i'm sorry can you forgive me please forgive me) even though you think that the pain and the strain of my sin outweighs the gain that my words allow even though you might not even know what i'm tryin' so hard to be so sorry about even though you would still have to face the coming darkness after all even though you would live a life unaffected by the crime on the road to awe even though i fear that once it is done i will still feel the crushing guilt even though i fear not the burning bridges but all the bridges that i need to build even though i know that it's not to be done by my but by Your will even though i ask it of you even though i refuse to forgive myself i'm sorry i'm sorry can you forgive me please forgive me

unrequited love that's some played out motivation but we share familiar pain and pain is bane of the same next creation these sensations meant to inflate the satiation of our shared duration together before the cessation together whether or not we can weather our earthly tethers unworthy endeavors personally, you are better you would beg to differ i love you, yes i said it, i love you though i know there is more above you i still mill in my microcosmic milieu writing poems songs loving praising begging of you don't owe me anything; no i owe you everything every fidelity, secret integrity, faithful parity, solidarity, even eternal distance if it's necessary my music is a conversation one-sided conversation tune in to my station singing my dictations out of frustration you would never hear you were never here sonic multiphonic incarnation yet will i pray for you be your shade against every disgrace all that i've made for you every note embraces you by grace, bro, i did it all for you i did it all for you i did it all for you i did it all for you brother friend or lover man, i did it all for you black is the beautiful in you growing harmonies and beats wonderful that i love black and yellow is the color of your beautiful skin pressed against mine scars as you see 'em bathed in rich emancipated light great is the suffering that you endured painfully, fleeing through the night but great is the beauty blossoming through you all it's by freedom that you write scars as i see 'em tracing the shape of unrepentant mine commodified we been commodified but i will not be model will not modify it's codified the oppression is pressing depressing it's stressing up the butterfly like time machines our skin is mummified and chrysalises but by collective perspective beautifies you personify, mystify, magnify glory bro i got it all from you i got it all from you i got it all from you i got it all from you brother 'nother mother man i got it all from you light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it but the prophet had he lost it could not accost it what is known apostolic falls to what is Gnostic making caustic what was once Pentecostal once the gospel now docile living fossil light from the start that's the art that Thou art made from naught that was sought from a thought that is bought with a cost that is what we're taught but right from the heart that's the part that i write that's my repertoire that is small that is all that is called just imitative part of a greater picture barely scraped from scripture that is richer led upon fixtures opening up the fissures cutting sinew and bone i'm home as if I already know i don't what i grow is choked or stolen what i make is broke or stolen what i take is what i do it's chosen my glory in cloth my worry in thought my story in awe of the one i came from who i sang of for You I gave up all that i've made up all to You who pained of all to You who saved us all to You who gave love God, i give it back to You i give it back to you i give it back to you i give it back to you i give it back to you my righteouness i fight for this i give it all to You i give it all to You i give it all to You i give it all to You Your faithfulness i pray for this i give it all to You oh my Beloved you are not mine so we must be apart must be apart must be apart and you are not my culture though you've given all you have so i must depart i must depart i must depart and You are God in heaven there is no one like You are so I must be set apart be set apart be set apart

still lying on the ground my body broken into dust still bleeding from the stones that roll away from all it crushed my life has it been spared after what's thrown against and judged my heart it's beating still how can my every breath be just? gifts from above gifts from above gifts from above gifts from above oh Friend i know you're tired and you want to turn away i've wounded you i know it doesn't have to be this way i know that all i do is not enough to heal this pain but life was never mine so now i give it all away to you gifts from above gifts from above please know you are loved gifts from above i don't know where to go the crowds have left from where i am but out of glimpse i see Your cryptic writing in the sand there's nothing on my body wounding blows never began as You reach out to me with bleeding Wounded Healer hands wrapped in Your love caught up in Love gifts from above gifts from above