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the gray i am

by Vess3l

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Ramsey DeLano
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1.
east of eden 06:08
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it’s not just one long time coming here i’ve been down this road before it’s all right you may strong, wrong, loving hear you’re all i see in this storm you feel my lost soul weighing me down heavy if you don’t mind it’s you not i love whole, holding me up steady it’s you not i but still i feel it in my bones i’m living in an empty home no one’s home no one’s home it’s not that i don’t know why i’m here i’ve been born again i know but so much that i strong, wrong, loving fear i can’t see it anymore for few lie on this deathbed i’m warming just you and i and soon will i love whole hold me close for me just you and i but still i feel it in my bones i’m living in an empty home no one’s home no one’s home but still i feel it in my bones no one living in my home nothing missing from my bones i have no one to call home no one’s home no one’s home
2.
summer 07:04
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seasons pass me by why did i try reasons for goodbye none of it’s mine ransom pay the price just trying to be nice and then some say it’s right we shouldn’t we might but God my sin what did i begin oh God my skin summer has ended summer has ended secrets don’t make friends means to an end regrets holding hands what was our plan believe love again not that we can perceive tell me when this nightmare will finally end but God my sin what did i begin oh God my skin summer has ended but God my skin what did i begin oh God my sin summer has ended summer has ended maybe when the winter comes say please and i will be here outside in the cold waiting to hold to be held to behold behold behold behold behold
3.
idk 07:36
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i know you try i know you fail what is love beyond the veil get it right get in spite of pain what is lost when we have gain make something new make something right what can offer to the light break some things few break nothing mine what can safely draw the line don’t ask me i i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know the harlot and the robber scorned clothed in garments soiled and torn i must wash it all away i am penance, what is grace memorize and stay on key walk in step and eyes on me act in kind, perform in strife how has this applied to life thought i knew but actually i i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know (this is it, this is it) (I am the road leading to no return secret of life nobody wants to learn I am the car racing towards distant shores now his life is forever mine and i am Yours) the harlot and the robber scorned clothed in garments soiled and torn
4.
phileo 07:34
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they call me gorgeous but don’t know my name they say i’m accepted but leave when i came they draw near my body but distance my heart they gently surround me then tear me apart they love me they love me not they love me they love me not they call me brother but don’t treat me the same they say i’m forgiven but lay on the blame they draw to the Body but distance my soul they gently surround me then swallow me whole they love me they love me not they love me they love me not (oh love) i am your sheep i am your whore not asking for more that’s love at the core you are my shepherd you are my dad it must be that’s bad that’s brokenness had i love ‘em i love ‘em not i love ‘em i love ‘em not i love me i love me not i love me i love me not i love him i love him not i love him i love him not i love me i love me not i love me i love me not (i get everything i want but get everything i want i hate everything i got but lose everything i got)
5.
hamartia 10:48
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i never wanted more from you through our struggles and doubts yet you spoke into my life so soon and you helped me get out i had given up on all the ways i could be understood i am broken having tried so long i couldn’t fight when you could i am sin that’s why you end where i begin i can’t give in this new creation i must live in i know we made a promise to fight not to fall to desire but even now i still get what i want i get you burned in my fire where’s the kindness that you showed to me now i see only despair ‘cause though we’re same that’s the very reason hating me is so fair i am sin that’s why you end where i begin i can’t give in this new creation i must live in i’m gonna drive to the marina i know i understand though we didn’t have a plan you cared until caring became bad what we had what we shared it’s just sad i just wish that being loved didn’t have to be so wrong for others but i understand so i can’t, after all that’s happened, be one in presence of a greater plan i’ll be gone i should leave can’t hurt anyone anymore gonna drive to the marina (oh God) i am sin that’s why you end where i begin i still give in this new creation i can’t live in i am sin ‘cause if you love me you won’t win i am sin ‘cause if you hate me you will live if i am sin then i can’t be with Him again if i am sin when time is full then i will end
6.
sometimes 12:08
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sometimes sometimes sometimes i feel so alone you watch me unwrap my skin all glisten see me see right through me through thin air here air i don’t want to know know no, no they’re all shadows beyond shadows of shadows of the real thing can’t have the real thing no, no but i have shadows i’m dry and it shows shows show show wherefore art thou now that i am the only one wherefore oh friend oh lover wherefore oh church oh brother where might i strive to now that oh love and life no longer free oh Death where is Your sting where is Your sting where is Your sting (sometimes sometimes sometimes i feel so alone) (oh Death where is Your sting) i am nothing I am Death Death is nothing nothing is death like a breath thus saith the Lord oh holy matrimony atrophy like the death that is inside of me hides in me there’s a fight in me something’s not right with me nothing is right with me nothing with me when it’s all just about me frontal lobotomy bottle in front of me i’m drinking i’m thinking i’m sinking thinking about the dreams that i’m leaving weaving to explain why i’m heaving heathens refrain from heavy breathing it’s seething i partake but it’s fake what i make are mistakes bloody lakes that have formed where i’ve struck the stakes for all i do is take i don’t make i break and what’s broken once spoken the purifying waters of glory chosen can’t soak in it’s frozen gates of heaven closing you should have known this should have known this am i born this should i mourn this have i torn this now that i’ve worn this formless for how can i demand anything command everything i had it all like planned and everything but like castles in the sand it was banned, everything every little thing in my hands like the bands that have played every note that was made like my scars never fade they scar and they maim they bar and they blame and my name my God the same it’s nothing but lame as i, lame, went and came no, there is nothing i can, in essence, nor should i, in presence, claim but i’m not mad it’s sad i’m bad what i had never once did i really have but i’m glad i had i’m fed i’m dead i am dead I am Death I am Death I am Death becoming I am Death death death death death breath
7.
creatio continua 12:58
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scars before they heal wound and open more not in this life not enough gifts before they give corrupt and take away not in this life not enough everything i want is nothing i have not already experienced to be insufficient everything i need is everything i have yet to experience to be more than sufficient love before it died died so that I could though not in this life it’s enough life before it ends lives to rise again You are my life it’s enough everything i want is nothing i have not already experienced to be insufficient everything i need is everything i have yet to experience to be more than sufficient more than sufficient all i wanted was a friend but some of them do come again before they leave it’s enough no one by my dying bed but You will give me life again before the throne it’s enough all i want is death to end but You call me to die again and die again it’s enough someone please forgive forget but You remember every debt and yet redeem it’s enough it’s enough everything i want is nothing i have not already experienced to be insufficient everything i need is everything i have yet to experience to be more than sufficient everything i am is nothing i have not already conditioned to be insufficient everything I am is everything I have yet to experience to be what You envision what You envision
8.
the gray i am 07:23
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i’m awash with the black I’m awash with the white i can’t take it back i don’t know what’s right love duality masks pain brutality strikes i don’t wanna ask i know what he likes spectrum speak over me multi-colored coat namesake vision-reading slave dreaming slave-master Sovereign Lord over me multi-colored wing rapture give this cup to me i’m no Savior King i ambiguity been so lost inconsistency water over me underwater sea breakers into me boundary broken in me breathe my vague for your certainty Lord, trade my gray for the Great I Am i’m the trauma that’s here i’m the victim at last i don’t run very far i the ghost from your past but You’re salvation in me Lamb of God brought to none You run up to me You the prodigal One psychopathology I am faith and biology life that’s grown inside please don’t simplify crimes of wrath on my head sin begets sin i’m broken but not blameless i have to make things right I am new I am death I already but not yet You have justified and You will sanctify dark developed to me oh Light, please complete all of me oh Spirit, trade my gray for the Great I Am I am already but not yet I am already but not yet I am already but not yet (trade my gray for the Great I Am) We are already but not yet We are already but not yet We are already but not yet (trade our gray for the Great I Am) oh Mystery oh History oh Sublime oh Space and Time oh Infinite Worth oh Virgin Birth oh be my Rest oh be my Best oh God oh Father my God my father

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an exploration of identity in the face of despair, destruction, damnation. a journey to find something Great in someone gray.

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released October 3, 2015

art direction by Ramsey DeLano

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Vess3l Hacienda Heights, California

We are an amateur music collective that aims to explore personal experiences through experimental soundscapes. We are imperfect vessels straining to convey the glory that comes before us.

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